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The program for the Kennedy Center in the nation's capital features a playful dual-language show and an ad-libbed theatrical troupe. Conspicuously missing from the public events is this week's global football draw, likely because it is a strictly invitation-only affair. Organizers likely want to avoid any uninvited attendees from darkening the doorstep at what threatens to be an overly lengthy, self-congratulatory procession where well-paid dignitaries will undoubtedly parrot the well-worn cliche that "football unites the world."

An A-List Line-Up

This glitzy event is set to be hosted by German model-turned-TV presenter Heidi Klum together with small-statured American standup comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Adding to the celebrity roster will be gridiron icon Eli Manning on welcoming duty and actor Danny Ramirez as a roving correspondent. Collectively, they will host a production that will undoubtedly have British football fans who remember yearning for the simpler, unpretentious days of former managers, FA officials, the old draw system and a reliable fabric pouch of simple, lottery balls.

Slated to last almost three grueling hours, the show will include a lengthy agenda of lengthy speeches, saccharine video montages, pre-vetted gags, celebrity guests, performances from artists with perhaps no embarrassment or financial motivations, and then... finally, the real World Cup draw.

Sporting Legends on Draw Detail

Included in those tasked with conducting the ceremony? NBA giant Shaquille O'Neal, hockey icon Wayne Gretzky, football star Tom Brady and MLB star Aaron Judge, all selecting balls under the supervision of former defender Rio Ferdinand. Given the considerable, untapped reservoir of charisma exhibited by these veteran sporting legends, short of an armed snatch-squad storming the event, it's difficult to envision what could potentially go wrong.

In reality, very little, if the tone-deaf defence of FIFA's well-documented World Cup exorbitant ticket pricing mounted by an obsequious spokesperson is any sort of indicator. When asked if tickets should be more accessible for non-millionaires, the response was vague. "I think we have to be aware of that and I think FIFA are certainly people that are conscious of that," was the statement. "However, I think we can look at every sector, every sector, we could have that conversation about things," he added. The suggestion appeared that high prices are justified when compared with other high-end items.

The Main Event

With over forty teams already secured a place for next year's jamboree and six more set to qualify, there will be a genuine feeling of excitement once the preliminaries conclude and the actual draw gets under way. But as fans worldwide wait with bated breath to see which three teams their particular country will face in the initial phase, the suspense pales in comparison to that which precedes the reveal of the winner of FIFA's first-ever peace prize for "individuals who help unite people in peace through steadfast commitment and notable actions." Considering the draw is in Washington and the tournament is primarily in the United States, guesses about the winner are ripe, even if the clues are apparent.

"There's no concern at the moment. I was speaking to the owner today. My relationship with him is very strong really. I have a truly transparent and frank relationship. So regarding my job in that sense I have completely no worries whatsoever" – a statement from a manager with a team on a five-game winless run, offering a classic quote-that-will-definitely-get-resurfaced should changes occur in the future.

Fan Correspondence

• "Regarding the mention of a potential club named Kevin... there is an exciting Brazilian winger named Kevin at Fulham who cost more than £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be asked to buy a Highland League club and bestow his name on it."
• "Going to local games in the past, when the opponent was 'Keith', the reply was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "I stopped reading after nine words. 'Comprised of'! What was the thought process? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as redundant as an additional referee."
• "There is apprehension ahead of FIFA's Global Tombola: just what memorable tune will a famous group come up with if a political figure remains on the stage, thereby necessitating an additional song?"